A student pushes his workbook off his desk and yells, “No!” What reaction, if any does he get from the teacher? Does the teacher take a moment to reflect on Why the student just did that? What about at home…your daughter is constantly grabbing toys out of her little brother’s hands. What reaction does she get, do you pause to figure out what she is communicating by her behavior?

Difficult behaviors happen because a person has unmet needs.

First determine if there are any physical/medical needs that need to be addressed. Then look at what other basic needs are unmet. Dr. William Glasser identified 5 basic needs we all share.

Caution: a child can show the same behavior, but it can mean something different each time. And sometimes one behavior can be communicating a variety of needs are being unmet.

Below are some common behaviors seen in children and the message they may be sending. What need do you think is unmet in each example? Thanks to Heather T. Forbes from www.beyondconsequences.com for sharing these.

1. Slamming doors – I will make a loud noise so you will listen to me.
2. Cursing – I’ll do what I need to so you will listen to me.
3. Shutting down – I am feeling overwhelmed. I’m shutting down my world so I can survive.
4. Hitting brother or sister – My brother or sister is a threat to my relationship with my parent.
5. Challenging authority – I’ve lost trust with authorities. I can’t trust anyone, it is too much of a risk.
6. Saying, “I hate you.” – It’s easier to hurt someone else instead of feeling that internal self-hate. I hate myself.
7. Arguing about everything – I want to keep you engaged in the conversation. I want to stay connected even if it is a negative form of attachment.
8. Laziness – I’ve tried to get attention before and never got it. I’m not going to even try because my efforts don’t get me anywhere.
9. Pushing every boundary – Can you really take care of me? I need to know you will not give up on me so I will test you before I can trust you.
10. Meltdowns during transitions – When I’ve been surprised in the past it meant a big change for me. I am scared my whole world may fall apart again.

* Learn more about behavior, Click here to read Your Child’s Challenging Behavior Is Their Way of Communicating. This is an article I wrote for Expert Beacon.

Thanks for all you do for your child. Not everyone is as committed as you are!

Change is possible. Let’s make it happen!